This past year has been very busy and full. The boys are now 4 years old. They are loving preschool. I am working as much as possible and still spending as much time as I can with them. There is more change than I would like to contemplate coming in 2012.

Mimzy will be moving across country which will affect everyone. I struggle with how to explain this to the boys and have this be a healthy experience for everyone. At the same time Mimzy is moving the boy’s and I will be moving also. Not sure where yet! Would love to stay in the same town so the boys can stay in the same school but we will see how the cards fall. Also, we will need to find a new childcare situation. Again too much to wrap my head around, so I will bury my head in the sand for a little while longer.

I am so grateful for all our experiences this last year and for all the love in our lives.

Here is the latest montage!

The day finally arrived after a very long summer. The boy’s started school this past week and it went off without a hitch. Next week should be interesting starting full days and napping at school. We’ll see how that goes.

One of the blogs I follow is written by author Elizabeth Lyons. I have been reading her books since I found out I was pregnant with the boy’s. Her humor and ability to keep it simple keeps me coming back for more. Her most recent post was about revealing unknown facts about oneself.  This is a practice that I have been involved with since starting my journey of recovery. She invited her readers to dig deep and then share:

1.  I love cooking….this is a new discovery. I thought I hated cooking but really I was just lazy and didn’t want to clean up after.

2.  If I had to identify one thing in nature that allows me to feel one with God it would be water. It’s part of everything living and is even in the air we breath.

3.  One of my new favorite show’s is “Teen Mom 2″ on MTV.

4. I really enjoy dancing with my boys (that doesn’t mean I’ll be going out dancing anytime soon).

5. I have a difficult time identifying with other Mom’s at times.

6. I struggle at times meeting my children where they are at, even though that’s want I want from everyone else I have a relationship with.

7. I spend WAY TOO MUCH time researching kids items

8. I find it very helpful to find out “why” someone is behaving the way they are, it is easier for me to elicit some compassion and lay down my judgments

9. I would really love to adopt a little girl

10. Sometimes napping is essential to everyone’s survival.

Also linking up over at Top Ten Tuesday

I had been waiting for that question among many others that I cringe at the thought of being asked. The conversation a few weeks ago went something like this:

Clay: “what’s that building Mama, a castle?”
Me: “No, honey that’s a church”
Clay: “what’s a church”
Me: “a church is a place people go to learn about God”
Clay: “who’s God”
Me: holding my breath and hoping he forgot the question
Clay: “WHO’S GOD MAMA”
Me: “Did you see that bird over there?”

For those who have known me my whole life, my reaction and avoidance may surprise you with my long history of going to church, christian schools and camps. Yet, it’s my history with all of those that led me to my reaction. I don’t want my experience and understanding of God to be my childrens’ understanding. Don’t get me wrong I am very grateful for all of that knowledge, it has come in handy a number of times in my life. But that was all it added up to be when my world started crumbling, just knowledge. It hadn’t been an experience or a practice. At some points during my emotional adolescence I would have told you that I had a spiritual experience and that I had a personal relationship with God. What I had was some prayers that I threw to the sky when I didn’t have the answers and I was scared. I didn’t believe or trust that I was going to be taken care of, or that I was unconditionally loved. I didn’t come to believe and trust that until after I turned 30. I hope my children don’t have to wait that long.

When I hit a bottom in my life and started a path of recovery. I was told that I needed to find a Higher Power of my understanding. That I could define and name that Higher Power and that it could be as complicated or simple as I needed it to be. I knew I didn’t want the God that I remembered from some of the schools, churches and camps I had attended. That God was a judging, vengeful entity that already had my life planned out for me. Therefore all of the bad things that had happened in my life had been a result of that God. It was suggested I write out a list of attributes that I wanted/needed from my Higher Power (who I now chose to call God). But when I sat down to write that list I remember crying, I didn’t feel like I deserved to ask for what I needed. So I wrote a list of attributes I couldn’t have in a God. Then I wrote a list of all the times I knew that someone or something had been taking care of me. It became a freeing and fulfilling journey, that I am so grateful for.

Yet, I still don’t have words to explain God to my children.

Recently on one of discussion boards I am part of a video was linked up and I thought I’d share:

I clearly remember the moment about 4 years ago I decided not to wait to find the “perfect someone” to start a family with. There was a sense of empowerment knowing that other women had gone before me and successfully conceived and raised children on their own. I am so grateful that in those moments I didn’t project the worse case scenario’s which is my usual default, instead I ran with that intuitive notion and now have two beautiful boys to journey with.

Here are my favorite blog posts for the last year:

January:  There’s no amount of preparing for parenthood that makes it easier…..

February:  Traveling with Multiples: QOTW

March:   Weakness or Strength?

April:     Dear Jillian Michael’s

May:      Top Ten Things I have learned about me..

June:   Summer “will do” list

July:  Finding the Gray

August:  Fall here we come

September: Apple Picking

October:   Top Ten lessons I want my Children to learn

November: Teaching Gratitude

December:  It Came and Went

I have really enjoyed starting this journey of blogging. My hope is that now that the boy’s are starting preschool that I will have more opportunities to share.

What a whirlwind the last few weeks have been. Birthday’s, Christmas, family and friends. All wonderful things but still time-consuming.  So to recap:

The boy’s birthday party was wonderful. Family and friends joined us to celebrate with love, laughter and cake. The boy’s enjoyed the audience and of course the presents. The got a train table, books, clothes, puzzles and so much more. I have already started putting things away to  pull out on a rainy/snowy day.

Christmas was magical. They really got into the concept of Santa and the story behind that. I also started introducing the biblical story. In fact at the boy’s birthday party Reese kept calling a friends baby, “Baby Jesus”. We all got a laugh but it also warmed my heart to know that he was holding onto some of what was being said. Christmas morning at 2:00am I was woken up by both boys and informed it was morning. They were sent back to bed. When morning came we were greeted by Mimzy downstairs and the stocking/present opening began. I was both overjoyed by their excitement and somewhat saddened at their constant want for more presents. I’ve been told that is normal and they will get the idea as they mature. We visited family that afternoon and had a wonderful time. We were all beat by that night.

I am so grateful to be awake to my life today and have the gift of living these moments through my children’s eyes.