I hear people in recovery share about how they no longer know what they enjoy doing or what their preferences for food or really anything are when they first are getting sober. I also hear mothers share that they have forgotten who they are and what they enjoy doing. Interestingly enough I fit into both categories.

I found out I was pregnant with the boy’s 2 weeks before I celebrated my 1 year anniversary in sobriety. I do not think I had really developed a sense of self yet. Then I became distracted by/obsessed with a high-risk pregnancy, preemies and then single motherhood with twins. The books I have read, magazines I subscribed to, music I downloaded etc. all changed to be child or parenting centered. All of these informative and enjoyable but none of it for pleasure only.

Recently I wrote a blog post of the 30 things I will do this summer. I did include a few things on there that are just because I like to do them. However, even looking at that list most of the items are centered on the boy’s and becoming a better parent. I did put on there to read books for enjoyment, write more and learn about photography, which are all things I enjoy. But beyond those and swimming I don’t really know what I enjoy to do. My new goal is to figure out what I like to do, just because I enjoy doing it. Not because someone else will enjoy the results or because it will be good for me.

This morning I took the boy’s to the YMCA and I put them in the childcare so I could go swimming. I have loved swimming as long as I can remember. Something happens when I am underwater and in the zone of doing laps. Nothing else matters and the weight of the day is gone. I have had many conflicting feelings about putting them in the childcare, which has prevented me from utilizing that part of our member ship more. I am fearful because they are not a nut free zone that Reese is going to go into anaphylaxis while I am in the pool. I also struggle with how many hours they are with other people taking care of them, despite the fact that they love playing with “friends” and new toys. So like usual the problem is me and my fears. We have an emergency plan in place for Reese and the boy’s are having fun. I am the only tortured one and I am doing it to myself. I guess I have more soul searching and letting go to do. Luckily it’s progress!